saying goodbye

SUCKS.

I was talking to my dear friend, Heather Moline the other day (who is headed for Managua, Nicaragua on Dec. 4th), and she said something that sounded so simple. She said,


It is the worst feeling in the world to leave the people you love. 

There are several basic things that I believe in. I mean truly believe in. The sort of thing that you know is true, even when everything else around you falls apart. Those truths without which I could not even stand. One of those things is that I believe that we live in order to love each other. 

I guess I spent a lot of my time at Loyola Marymount University learning how to love. How to love and care for myself. How to let that love pour forth for others. How that love always comes from God. How to build relationships and community based on that love that is self-giving. How it becomes something we call service, though at its core its all about love. That we are called to love each other deeply and freely. Its a pretty good lesson to learn, and the kind of thing I'll be learning and relearning like new with every step of this journey.


So why am I leaving the people I love? This question has been in my blood ever since I got news of my departure date for Peru on November 9th. It's not just in my head as a thought, it's not just a recurring question. It is pumping through my veins. And its substance becomes heavier with each passing day as departure comes closer. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to go to Peru, to be a JV, for whatever growth God has in store for me. And I think it's right for me to go. But right now, in being present to where I am in Covina, CA, I'm feeling the funky, uncomfortable weight of goodbyes. How heavy they really are. It really is one of the worst feelings EVER. I'm constantly "funky monkey chunky," as my friend Lindy would say. I cry every so often. I've already had to say goodbye to some friends, and those goodbyes were incredibly awkward. =/  It seems so unnatural to leave the people I love. Why did I ever decide to do this?!

To be honest, it is pretty difficult for me to answer this question right now. I can tell I'm trying to defend myself against this current pain of goodbye, so my answer is skewed. I think I'm going to Peru to learn how to love better: more deeply, more freely. To be "ruined" as they say. To walk with others.  But that future love feels too theoretical, too hypothetical, too ideal in the face of the profound pain of saying goodbye to the people I already love. 

I guess this is all part of the experience. Jesus had to die (and we all know that really sucked) before he could be raised up again. But there is a price to pay for every good thing. This is part of the price I'm paying. I'm sorry for whatever pain this might be causing you too. I'm sorry for the times I will not be there for you when I otherwise could have been. But please know that I love you, deeply and freely.




I didn't leave Covina, CA until I departed for Peru.