serious.

I´ve been thinking about judgment a lot recently. Sort of facinated how quickly and quietly it sneaks into us without notice. It takes hold in seconds. In the shadows, when it goes unnoticed. The only thing that will loosen its grip is its own name. And even then sometimes it remains. We try to forgive ourselves by calling it simple observation, which only makes it stronger. I´ve been thinking about it because, well, the Peruvians think I´m very serious.

It makes a lot of sense. I got off the plane in November in shock. I had just left my entire family crying. I left everything I knew to embrace a gut feeling that I was going where I was meant to go, but I still don´t know what that really means. I´m very new here, and all of Peru is very new to me. I hardly understand anyone and have tried to listen a lot. I couldn´t, and still struggle with, speaking spanish. Then I got violently sick and remain sick even now. All that = serious.

Though I can definitely be intense, I´m not really that serious. It´s a judgment that has been put on me here, again, mostly by the Peruvians. It happened so quickly. It took me quite a while to realize it. But I can feel it now.

Don´t get me wrong, I don´t feel judged. Nor am I worried about it. Like most things, with time and space, I will learn more spanish and the Peruvians will get to know me better. If all else fails, when I go to Andahuaylillas, I´ll be able to start over again. More than worried, I am facinated at the process, how it happened that I was unanimously labeled serious.

I´ve recently found a way out of this label, too. It´s just one small step, but it´s something. I was sitting next to Gabi, a crazy Peruvian teacher here, during a concurso of Christmas carols by the teachers of the various Catholic schools in Tacna. I was forced to speak a bit more spanish, and well, you know, there are so many ways to communicate. And make fun of people. Peruvians do that a lot--make fun of people. Sometimes, its a bit too much, but sometimes its an opportunity to laugh. Especially if you use yourself as the subject. Well, now Gabi thinks I´m as crazy as she is... Maybe that´s another judgment, but its breaking the box I´ve been put into just a little bit.

Gabi tells me every time I have a serous face to remember her poking me in the side and just smile. Wittis, another Peruvian here who has hosted volunteers, tells me I smile much more now then when I first came. Actually, I´ve heard this from a few people, that I talk more now and smile.

It makes me think, though, how I´ve judged people already here. I´m definitely not immune. I would be lying to myself if I thought I´ve been fair to everyone. The question is, how have I judged? Who have I judged? What am I going to do about it?


be open and be opened.